Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
