Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
