Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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