the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
