I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
