I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
