dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
