I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
