Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
FUCK WHALES
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
