My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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