PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
