My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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