I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
