I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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