Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
