he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
