do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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