I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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