Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
