I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
