Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
