I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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