she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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