chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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