I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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