im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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