just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
