I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
