youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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