Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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