you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
