I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
