that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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