my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
