I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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