I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
