I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Terrible idea I love it
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
