I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
