The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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