i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
