tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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