that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
