I'm going to jail i love you
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
