Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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