He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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