alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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