She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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