why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
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Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
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He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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