Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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