Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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