I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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