You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
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Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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