At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.