Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.