To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.