Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.