i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
