Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
