I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
