Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
