So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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